How to Become Rich Writing Romance Novels!

During the time since my last post, an entire season of Game of Thrones has come and gone, the seas have run dry, and the mountains now blow in the dust like the wind. As summer in Oregon goes through its final death throes, determined to go out in a literal blaze of glory, I humbly return to you -- my dear, loyal readers of the only four other blog posts I've written -- with ash-covered gemstones of wisdom (did I mention that half the state is on fire? and not the kind where you're burning up the dance floor). 

Search results for Sean Kingston's "Fire Burning on the Dance Floor."

Without further ado, here's what you've all gathered here today to learn about.

HOW TO BECOME RICH WRITING ROMANCE NOVELS:

Step 1: Quit your day job.

Step 2: Start writing your book.

Step 3: Run out of money.

Step 4: Get another day job while writing your book on the side.

Step 5: Legally change your name to Rich. Tell people it's short for Richard. If you're a girl, you had really cool parents. 

One of my top five favorite GIFs (hint: all five of them are just different kittens rolling around in piles of money).

I'm learning a lot of things on this journey to becoming a romance writer. The first: it's very ambitious to write an entire book in three months. 

Sure, it's possible. Published authors do it all the time. And non-published writers who are better than I am probably do it, too. I left my full-time job in April and arrogantly thought I'd have this sucker done by July at the latest. 

The days flew by. And then sometime around the end of May, I realized I was broke and my book wasn't yet 50% of the way done. So I did what any self-respecting artist would do and got a part-time serving job. 

Serving isn't glamorous, but it pays the bills and I get free coffee, and sometimes on very special days I get free cookies leftover from banquets. And more importantly, I have the flexibility to write before work and on my days off. 

"How's that going for you?" ... is the question I'm sure you're all asking. "Is your book published yet? Do you have anything to show for these months of radio silence? Can I have your autograph?"

Hey, stop nagging me! I'm an ARTISTE, and I work at my own pace! Just kidding -- I haven't finished my book yet, so I can't start taking myself too seriously and being an annoying twat until I have something to show for it. I can't wait for that day and I'm sure you can't either.

"Dad, I know we're involved in a serious inter-galactic war and I shouldn't be putting myself and everyone else needlessly at risk, but I'm a WRITER, soooo..." - Jake Sisko, Deep Space 9

The truth is that it's September, and I'm at the 60% completion mark by word count. I'd accept your heartfelt congratulations and awestruck accolades, but that 60% doesn't include editing, which is a whole THING. 

Here's what else I've accomplished in the last three months:

- I picked my pen name

- I joined Rose City Romance Writers (the local chapter of Romance Writers of America) and attended three meetings where I spoke maybe 2 sentences but learned a lot from actual published romance writers

- I registered for baby's first Romance Writer's conference in October

- I signed up to have my book pitched to two agents/editors at that conference

- I bought the domain name for my pen name so no one else can steal my awesome fake identity

- I wrote my first sex scene (and hot damn if that wasn't the hardest thing I've ever done -- I know, "That's what she said...")

- I also got engaged and tentatively dipped a toe in the dark, abysmal waters of Wedding Planning and it's fucking horrible -- do not go to there, children, SAVE YOURSELVES and elope before everyone else finds out and it's too late to save you.

The perfect wedding: where everything explodes and then you run away! 

This summer of writing has been action-packed, like a big-budget movie but without as many explosions and a lot more imaginary sorcerers and sexy synonyms for body parts. And there's so much more to talk about as I get ready to finish my book in time for the October conference. If you'll forgive me and promise to still read my blog, I'll write posts about all of it in the coming weeks!