It's Not Official Until it's Facebook Official

I'm officially a writer now.

I mean, I don't have anything published. And I haven't earned a dime from writing-related activities. But I ordered some VERY official business cards from VistaPrint, so I can convincingly portray myself as a writer at the Emerald City Romance Writer's Convention in two weeks.

I wish I could take credit for how fucking badass this promo image looks and tell you I'm secretly also a graphic designer (I'm not). Fortunately, my future-husband is really good at everything and also supportive of my attempts to forge a writing career! Of course I can totally repay the favor some day when the situation arises that he needs a steamy romance novel written to promote his own career endeavors.

For everyone's entertainment value, this was my first attempt at designing the business cards myself, using free stock photos and everyone's favorite Adobe knockoff, GIMP.

It took me about an hour to figure out how to make it look like this disembodied torso was turning into smoke. Get it, because the main character is a dragon sorcerer....?

On the backside of the business card, I was supposed to include links for my author Twitter, Facebook, and email address. One teensy problem: none of those existed.

At this point, the process of creating a "social media presence" was already way harder than I'd expected and I was irrationally mad.

Now, I'm a child of the digital age. When I was in the sixth grade, I taught myself to use HTML by looking at the source code for other Angelfire and Geocities webpages and just copying it into the page builder in Netscape Navigator. I didn't do this for fun. No, this was a very serious undertaking! I needed to build a Sailor Moon fan site that was just a collection of screen shots from the only two seasons of Sailor Moon that were available in the United States at the time, which aired at 6 am every morning. To accomplish this, I'd wake up super early before school, insert the special VHS with cords that hooked up to the spare computer in our guest room (which I'd begged my mom to buy for this very specific purpose only -- the VHS hookup, not the computer), and take screenshots of my favorite moments in each episode. Then I'd save all these as .jpg files and upload them to a separate image hosting server and then link them to my Geocities page.

I wish I could say this was my webpage, but this one is way better than mine was. I mean, LOOK at that use of tables! Only five broken image links!? 10/10

As you can imagine, I didn't get outside very much as a child. Or have many friends. Or valuable hobbies.

But given the dedication I'd demonstrated at a young age to learning how to use the internet, you'd think I could handle creating basic social media accounts and a website. Right?


First of all, I realized I don't have an official headshot. And you have to use your head shot for everything. I thought it would look super ghetto to just take a selfie, and I always thought that once I actually got a publishing contract I'd shell out the money to get a real one taken. So in the meantime, I spent far too long going through old pictures of myself to find a photo where I look "cool" and also "professional," and just ended up using the same photo I use for this blog, which is a photo of me with a cat that isn't even my cat.

Until I have a glamour shot as perfect as this one I don't even see the point of trying.

Also, Facebook doesn't like it when you create a user account with a fake name. They catch onto that sneakery very quickly. And then employ shadow assassins to hunt you down and make it look like an accident. So you have to create a "Page" for your Author Pen name and get people to like that page, which not only limits how you can interact with stuff on Facebook, but also fills your REAL Facebook with 10,000 spam notifications every day about how to "boost your Page presence" by buying ads and also insurance against shadow assassins.

Actual footage of proven shadow assassination.

Then, I learned that things have changed a LOT since the days of basic HTML and Netscape, and creating a website is really hard now. I bought my domain name through Squarespace, thanks to copious podcast propaganda, and because the templates are really easy to use.... ACCORDING TO ALL THE PODCASTS. I feel like Chuck Nice lied to me personally and this will take me awhile to forgive. Anyway, I figured it out through trial and error and an entire weekend's worth of time, but I seriously don't understand why I can't just have a simple page builder in Netscape anymore. I just want to drag and drop my images and text like our ancestors have done for generations!!!

Ancient civilizations have left us clues to help decipher how websites in the olden days were once used to connect with others who shared similar interests.

Finally, I've never used Twitter before in my life.  I understand the concept, but I don't know how to get people to follow me, or what on earth I should be posting on Twitter that could be remotely interesting to persuade people to do so. When Twitter became a thing I incorrectly predicted that it was stupid and it would go away, just like Netscape Page Builder which was not stupid, it was so easy a 6th grader could use it!!!
Turns out, I'd vastly underestimated Twitter's value as a place to share advice and wisdom.

Nevertheless, the work I put in this past weekend has laid the foundation for a robust following of devout fans. If you feel pity for me or you're simply a generous person who doesn't mind extra social media clutter in the name of supporting a spunky upstart like KITT MASTERS, Fantasy Paranormal Romance Author, I implore you to follow my fake author alter-ego. 

TWITTER: @kitt_masters

Some day, when I am famous, I shall remember all of you who aided me in my journey, and give you a touching shout-out in the "Dedications" portion of my tenth bestselling novel about spider witches and bear vampires, and then your name will forever be remembered in the hallowed halls of the paranormal romance world!